Soomemaakeeles - inglismaakeeles venemaakeeles - venemaakeeles :o)
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Normaalin ihmisen unentarve on keskimäärin 10 minuuttia lisää.
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Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President his daily briefing on Iraq.
He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.
Finally, President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
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A man went over to his girl's place for a little bit of nookie between the sheets. He presented her with three choices of condom -- gold, silver, or bronze.
"Silver," she said.
"Why not gold?"
"Because I want you to come second for once!"
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In Year1981
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe
3. Pope Died
Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married (again)
2. Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe (again)
3. Pope died (again)
In future, if Charles wishes to marry (again) and Liverpool needs another crown?
...God help the Pope!!!
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As usual, things were not going well at the United Nations.
Thus, many visiting ambassadors had to room together. It just so happend that Vladimir, the Russian Ambassador, and Umballa, the Zambian Ambassador, were sharing a suite.
To pass the time, Vladimir introduced his fellow dignitary to the Russian game of roulette. He produced an antique Soviet revolver, and a single bullet. It took a while, but he was finally able to explain the gist of the game to Umballa.
Intrigued and excited, Umballa loved the game. By the time the U.N. meeting was over, the two had become fast friends.
As they parted company at the airport, Umballa told Vladimir, ''One day, you must visit my country, and try our version of your roulette.''
A year later, Vladimir was in Zambia, and looked up his old friend. Umballa remembered him, and welcomed him with open arms.
''I have come, my comrade, to try your game.''
''Very well. Come with me.''
Umballa took his friend before six, buck-naked bush women. ''Pick one. Any one. And she will give you a blowjob.''
''But my friend, where is the danger in this?''
Umballa replied with a toothy smile, ''One of them is a cannibal.''
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You Work for the Government When:
• You don’t see anything wrong with attending a meeting on a subject you know nothing about
• You feel you contributed to the meeting just by being there
• You've sat at the same desk for 3 years, done the same thing for 3 years, but have had 3 different business cards
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Fun With Cops
• When he walks up to you, look at his gut and say "I thought you had to be physically fit to be a cop."
• When he asks you for your license say, "Oh sure officer, I could reach it if you'd hold my beer."
• Lie on the ground and ask him to draw your outline in chalk.
• Explain speeding with, "See officer, I was driving along when I dropped my bag of crack. I tried to pick it up but, when I did, my gun fell and jammed my foot against the gas pedal."
• Tell him you wanted to be a cop but decided to graduate high school instead.
• Ask him if his badge is made of chocolate.
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Horosho tam, gde nas net, no my povsyudu!
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Otec-himik hvastaetsya pered svoimi druz'yami: - Vchera moi synishka skazal svoe pervoe slovo.
- Interesno kakoe? Mama? Papa? Dai?
- Izopropiloftormetilfosfonat!
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V celom muzhchiny umnee zhenshin, no v kazhdom konkretnom sluchae zhenshina mudree.
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Putin pozdravil Shredera s uspeshnym rezul'tatom vyborov.
"Nachalos'!" - podumal Shreder...
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V 2004 godu Putin pozdravil s pobedoi na vyborah Yanukovicha.
V 2005 godu Putin pozdravil s pobedoi na vyborah Shredera.
A pozdravil by Putin v 2000 godu s pobedoi na vyborah Busha, vse moglo by byt' po drugomu...
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- Sadites', devushka, k nam v mashinu.
- Hihihi. Pokatat'sya priglashaete, mal'chiki?
- Zachem vy s nami kokketnichaete? Sadites' v mashinu i vse.
- Shas!! Ya chto sovsem dura, chto li - sadit'sya v mashinu s shestnadcat'yu parnyami? U menya ne takoe vospitanie. Mne mama tysyachu raz govorila...
- Da plevat', chto tebe mama govorila. Sadis' v mashinu i poehali.
- Kuda poehali? Za gorod nebos' poedem?
- Za gorod, za gorod. Sadis'.
- Aga. Ya i shestnadcat' parnei poedem za gorod. Milen'koe vremyaprovozhdenie. A chego kuda-to ehat'? Mozhet, vy menya pryamo tut iznasiluete, chtoby mne potom nedaleko bylo domoi vozvrashat'sya? Mne mama tysyachu raz...
- Da kto tebya sobiraetsya nasilovat'? Sadis'.
- Aga, aga. Nikto ne budet nasilovat'. Posidim, pesenok pod gitarku popoem.. Slyshala uzhe ne raz. Mne mama tysyachu...
- Syad' v mashinu!!!! Zhivo!!!!
- Ne ori na menya, krasavchik. Ne proidut eti nomera.. Voobshe obnagleli uzhe - ni tebe popytat'sya podpoit' chut'-chut', ni tebe potancevat'... Hot' by gamburgerom popytalis' ugostit'. Tak net - SADIS' V MAShINU!!
Durochku nashli.. Mne mama...
- Da plevat' chto tebe tvoya mama govorila!!!! Nadvigaetsya uragan Rita!!! MY - SOLDATY!!! ETO EVAKUACIYa!!!! SADIS' V MAShINU!!!!
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Muzhik prihodit domoi nikakoi.
Zhena grit: - Pil!
M: - Ne pil.
Zh: - Da ved' pil, priznaisya!
M: - Ne pil.
Zh: - No ved' ty na nogah ne stoish'. Za kosyak derzhish'sya! Pil, sprashivayu?!
M: - Ne pil.
Zh: - Horosho, skazhi - "gibraltar"...
M: - Pil.
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Samym bol'shim dokazatel'stvom sushestvovaniya razumnoi zhizni vo vselennoi yavlyaetsya tot fakt, chto do sih por nikto ne popytalsya s nami svyazat'sya.
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Sidit mal'chik s devochkoi.
Mal'chik: - Zaika, slushai, ya takoi sekret znayu, chto lyubaya devochka "dast"!
Devochka: - Da vresh' ty vse...
Mal'chik: - Net, chestno... klyanus'!
Devochka: - Nu ladno, skazhi.
Mal'chik: - Ne... ne mogu.
Devochka: - Nu pozhaluista.
Mal'chik: - Net! Ne skazhu!
Devochka: - Nu ya tebya umolyayu!!!
Mal'chik: - Nu OK, OK... dash' - skazhu.
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V kabinet vbegaet bol'noi: - Doktor, pomogite! Strashnaya bol' v levom yaice.
- Vy tablichku na dveryah videli ili net? Ya ne tot, kto vam nuzhen. Ya doktor prava. Ponimate - pra-va.
- Vy, vrachi, sovsem sdureli so svoei specializaciei. Pravo, levo, kakaya raznica?
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Odna blondinka sprashivaet druguyu: - O chem ty mechtaesh'? - Ya mechtayu o tom, chto kak-to raz vstrechu feyu, kotoraya podarit mne sto tysyach dollarov.
- A pochemu ne million?
- - Nu, million - eto ne real'no.
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V tramvae.
- Skazhite, ya pravil'no edu?
- Da.
- Spasibo.
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Svedeniya o sluzhbah standartizacii (nadezhnosti) na mehanicheskom zavode.
CHislennyj sostav-2 chel., iz nih
0,2 chel. vedet nadezhnost'
0,2 chel. -"- BTI
0,3 chel. -"- attestaciyu
0,6 chel. -"- KSUKP
0,7 chel. vedet standartizaciyu.
(Iz sluzhebnogo dokumenta.)
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Spuskaetsya muzhik po lestnice. Na vtorom etazhe sosed derzhit kota v rukah i blagim matom oret emu na uho: - HOChU Lyusyu iz 56 kvartiry, HOChU Lyusyu iz 56 kvartiry...
Muzhik: - Sosed, ty zachem kotu na uho oresh'?
Sosed: - Mne nel'zya, a emu vsyu noch' pod oknom mozhno?!!
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Priezzhaet korrespondent na zavod i vidit: muzhik hodit po cehu i strashno materitsya. Podhodit k gruppe rabochih.
K: Kto eto? (ukazyvaya na muzhika)
R: A eto glavnyi inzhener.
K: A che on materitsya?
R: Da vot, traktor sobirali - a poluchilsya ne traktor...
K: A chto poluchilos'?
R: A vot chto on oret, to i poluchilos'!!!
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Boevoj raschet
Petrova V. F. vyzyvaet po telefonu pozharnuyu chast'.
Ershova D. N. pristupaet k likvidacii pozhara ognetushitelem.
Samolyuk M. B. pristupaet k likvidacii pokupatelej.
(Iz protivopozharnoj instrukcii v magazine.)
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