Soomemaakeeles - venemaakeeles - inglismaakeeles :o)
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Psykiatrit, jotka kehottavat vanhempia olemaan enemmän lastensa kanssa, yrittävät vain turvata toimeentulonsa myös tulevaisuudessa.
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- Voi tohtori, koskee niin kovasti, että haluaisin kuolla.
- No sitten te olette tullut ihan oikean lääkärin vastaanotolle.
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Kyltti antiikkiliikkeen ikkunassa:
Ostamme, myymme ja vaihdamme. Ota vaimosi mukaan ja tee elämäsi kaupat!
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Poliisi pysäyttää kuorma-auton ja nuhtelee kuskia siitä, että lasti tippuu huonon sidonnan vuoksi pitkin tietä.
Kuski käskee poliisien mennä kiusaamaan oikeita rosvoja ja jättämään rehelliset työmiehet rauhaan.
Poliisit pitävät kuitenkin päänsä ja kirjoittavat sakot.
Kuski ei hyväksy sakkoa, joten lopulta päädytäänkin käräjille.
Käräjäsalissa kuljettajalta kysyttäessä syytteestä, hän aloittaa: - Olin hiekoittamassa tietä kun...
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Styuardessa: "Nu, chto vy raskrichalis', chto raznervnichalis'! Podumaesh', tryahanulo tri raza. Obyknovennaya vozdushnaya yama, turbulentnaya zona. S kem ne byvaet. Nu, vse, vse, uspokaivaemsya? Vse horosho? Nu, i ladnen'ko.....
Poidu, teper' passazhirov uspokoyu. "
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Sociologicheskie issledovaniya pokazyvayut, chto pochti 100% lyudei, sevshih na ezha, nachinayut zhalet' sobstvennuyu zadnicu, i lish' edinicy zadumyvayutsya o sud'be ezha.
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V Izraile gruppa repatriantov prohodit sobesedovanie. Odin iz voprosov takoi: kakie proyavleniya antisemitizma vy ispytyvali v SSSR.
Otvechaet pozhiloi letchik, polkovnik: - V iyune 1967 goda nasha eskadril'ya v Egipte poluchila zadanie - gotovit'sya bombit' Tel'-Aviv. Tak oni menya otstranili ot poletov!!!
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Bol'shinstvo moskvichei priehali na parad Pobedy na nemeckih mashinah
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Esli by vtoroi front ne byl otkryt i Krasnaya Armiya doshla do La-Mansha, francuzskie deti ne nauchilis' by zhevat' zhevachku, ne portili sebe zheludok "Makdonal'dsom", a luchshie iz nih smogli by letom otdyhat' v Arteke.
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Zahozhu kak-to v maminu spal'nyu, a u nee v posteli - moi nachal'nik!
Ya byl v shoke...
I tol'ko cherez minutu vspomnil, chto rabotayu na firme otca.
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Nemec, ital'yanec i amerikanec sidyat v bare.
Nemec s gordost'yu ob'yavlyaet: - Moya zhena za 7 sekund nabiraet ot 0 do 100.
Eto kak? ? sprashivaet ital'yanec.
- Ya kupil ei ?Porshe?.
- A-a, nu eto erunda, vot moya nabiraet ot 0 do 100 za 5 sekund.
- A ei kak eto udaetsya?
- A ya kupil ei ?Ferrari?.
Tut v razgovor vstupaet amerikanec: - A moya zhena nabiraet ot 0 do 100 za 2 sekundy.
- Neveroyatno! I chto zhe ty ei kupil?
- Vesy.
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V Ierusalime. Amerikanec priletaet, i, zhelaya popast'
k stene Placha, no ne znaya kak ona tochno nazyvaetsya, govorit taksistu: - Podvezi menya k tomu mestu, gde vy, evrei, plachete, krichite i b'etes' golovoi ob etu stenku.
Shofer podvez ego k zdaniyu Nalogovoi Policii.
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Proshu perevesti menya na druguyu lyubuyu rabotu. Prichina perevoda - biologicheskaya nesovmestimost' nachal'nika so mnoj. (Iz zayavleniya.)
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YA dumayu, chto Pashkovskij uznal menya, tak kak, podojdya ko mne, on skazal: "Ah ty, podlec!" (Iz ob®yasnitel'noj.)
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Lithuanian scientists dug 50 metres underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Lithuania announced that the ancient Lithuanians 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network.
Naturally, the Latvian government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 metres down, they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Latvians 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide fibre net.
Estonian scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 metres underground, but found absolutely nothing… They concluded that the ancient Estonians 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones.
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Voprosy rebrom:
1. CHEM DITER BOLEN?
2. NASKOL'KO RINGO STAR?
3. KUDA MARK ShAGAL?
4. OTKUDA STIVEN SIGAL?
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Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
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A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:
Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it 's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love, Becky
The Marine asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals. There were
57 photos in that envelope....along with this note:
Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the f**k you are.
Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care,
Ricky
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It's time we stopped blaming our problems on people in the past, and started blaming them on people in the future.
After all, people in the future have time travel. Why aren't they coming back to help us?
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Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
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Vodka and Programmers (not Only Java)
0.1 L - demo
0.25 L - trial version
0.5 L - personal edition
0.7 L - professional edition
1.0 L - network edition
1.75 L - enterprise
3 L - for small business
5 L - corporate edition (or like another variant - DataCenter)
beer - patch
one bucket - home edition
last drink before leave (go home) - Service pack
day after medication - Recovery tool
appetizer - plugins
coca-cola, fanta, 7up - trojan viruses
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